So my posts of late have been a little heavy on the serious side. However, I am not really a very serious person – just a passionate one. Here is a story about me and dresses. We do not get along.
A few years ago I had a group of friends who had never seen me in a dress. There is a really good reason for that – dresses and I are not friends. We never have been, and we never will be. Not to say that I can’t actually be dressed up and look nice in a dress; but something happens when I put one on. I forget how to walk. No seriously. For some reason dresses make me forget my most basic motor skills.
Anyway – these friends of mine made me a bet. I don’t remember what the bet was, but if I lost I said I would wear a dress – while camping. How they got me to add the hair piece I don’t remember either. My only excuse? I was most likely drunk. Also it was funny because I did what I would have done if I had been wearing cozy shorts and a t-shirt. Also a disclaimer – the gun I am holding here is a pellet gun.
I know as a child I ruined my Moms dreams of what having a little girl meant to her. Dresses, dolls, pink things, outings to get our hair done… I am sorry Mom. You gave birth to a lesbian with the fashion sense of a turtle. My mom used to try and make me wear dresses all the time, when she noted my misery – she only made me wear dresses for picture day at school – until I ruined that for her too. This one dress had this really cool belt, that for some reason I had wrapped around my neck to make a ‘carrying cable’ for my books. You know – like those straps people put around books back in the day that looked like a belt – for books. Anyway, I forgot to remove said belt from around my neck before the school picture. My Mom was furious, “WHY can’t you just wear a nice dress for even one day without getting it dirty or doing something else to it – ONE DAY!” I don’t know Mom. I hate dresses. She never made me wear one again. I was about 10.
Then I went through my church phase in High School. I was in a youth choir and had to wear dresses every week. Sometimes several days in a row. I think I sort of got used to it, but I was NEVER comfortable. Lesbians like comfort. This is why we like flannel no matter how out of date it may seem. Flannel is cozy, dresses suck. Now I am not speaking for ALL lesbians – I know plenty who look absolutely beautiful in dresses and carry them off very well; and they are all feminine and stuff. My partner is one of those people. She can wear anything and look nice, and feminine. I think she is beautiful in sweatpants too.
My best friends out in California decided to get married and chose me to be the maid-of-honor, and the bride picked out the most horrifying dress ON PURPOSE just for me. She used her wedding to force me into not just any dress, but a sleeveless, form fitting, velvety thing with ruffles. I also had to wear make-up, and get my hair done. Traumatizing – but what are friends for right?
I did okay with this. Everyone knew me so my inability to walk like a normal human being while wearing this dress added some humor to the day. It really was an awesome day – dress included. Also, wearing a dress did not stop me from tackling some poor straight girl worried about HER dress to catch the bouquet. After the wedding, I promptly took off the horrible shoes I was wearing, and put socks on over my pantyhose so I could enjoy the reception in at least some semblance of comfort. They got married what seems like a lifetime ago and aside from the bet – this is the last dress I have ever worn. I would really like to keep it that way.
It isn’t just dresses though. I have trouble with ‘business casual’ too. They say to “dress for the job you want, not the job you have”. This makes me sad. The job I want is to sit in front of my computer and write stories, commentaries and anything else that sparks my interest. I don’t even need pants for that. Someday, my dreams will come true and I will be able to work in pajamas – until then though, I must conform to society and dress appropriately for a work environment. Dressing up for me now entails jeans that aren’t worn out yet and a polo shirt. Yes. Comfort.
As I am now looking for a ‘real’ job, I have been called for interviews. The interviews themselves do not scare me. I have no anxiety about telling someone how awesome I am, and why they should hire me. The stress comes from dressing for the interview. Thankfully, my beautiful partner dresses me. She has full control over my wardrobe. I haven’t had to pick out or shop for my own clothes for the last 5 years because of her. This is yet another reason I believe God loves me and wants me to be happy. She LOVES shopping for me. LOVES IT. I go through trying stuff on and complain the entire time, but when we are done, I look nice, I am comfortable, and I maintain my ability to walk.