Questions straight people ask gay people…


As a homosexual person I am subjected to questions from people about my sexuality. Part of me wants to just say, “Do I ask YOU about who you date? Why you date them? Why you are attracted to one person and not another?” Part of me though always wants to answer, because if it  is such a concern for people – if me answering those questions will stop even one person for being ‘afraid’ of the gays – well then I think answering some questions is how we might get over this hurdle – as long as the person asking the questions is doing so because they really want to understand as opposed to some stupid curiosity about ‘how’ we have sex. Anyway -I have nailed down a few of the common questions gay people get asked by straight people. Now keep in mind, any person you talk to will have a different answer – sexuality is as individual as our fingerprints, but some things are pretty much the same for all of us.

When did you know you were gay? 

For me, I can look back on my life and pinpoint certain times when it was obvious -even though I wasn’t aware of it. My 3rd grade teacher – Mrs. Kerr was my idol. I LOVED her. When I look back on it now, I know that the feelings I had for her went beyond what a super awesome teacher she was – I had a crush on her. I thought she was beautiful. So I was about 9. Since I was 9 I didn’t understand the feelings at the time – but I think Mrs. Kerr did. I think she was gay. I could do an entire post JUST on Mrs. Kerr.

I found an old journal my Mom started keeping about me after she died. I think my Mom knew I was gay when I was about 5 or 6. She chalked it up to being a tomboy – but deep  down my Mom knew her kid was different. So – adults in my life noticed something at 5 or 6.

I became aware of my own sexuality at the same time everyone else does -puberty. I was in Jr. High and I was dating a boy I thought I loved and I was just sure I was going to marry. We were at a party and one of my girlfriends gave me a hug and for the first time in my life my – eh – nether regions woke right up. I wasn’t expecting that. It never did that with my boyfriend… Nothing sexual happened, it was just something I felt and I didn’t understand it then either. I do however distinctly remember that feeling though. It’s unmistakable. I was turned on. By a hug. From a girl.

Then in high school it happened. My first sexual experience with a woman. WOW. Yup. That’s me. No more boys. So I KNEW I was gay when I was 15/16. From that point on I understood that I was a lesbian and that my future relationships would be with women. I tried to change it but I couldn’t. Then I got to the point where I didn’t want to change it. I was happy. I finally made sense to myself.

Have you ever had sex with a man?

Again – first response, sometimes I just want to say, “Have you ever had sex with a horse? How do you know you don’t like it and aren’t attracted to horses?” Without the sarcasm though and for the purposes of this post I will answer this question for the last time (anytime some one asks me after this I am going to direct them to this blog entry).

Yes. I have had sex with men. Lots of them. Keep in mind I used to drink a lot – I have had lots and lots of drunk sex with men. I HAVE to be drunk to do it because I don’t like it. It was more  of a curiosity for me and in society I have always felt the pressure to be straight. So I tried. Whatever. I don’t like it. Men are clumsy and hairy and well, gross (sorry guys, nothing personal). I am not attracted to them AT ALL. I can look at a good looking guy and appreciate how handsome he is. I imagine it is much the same as a straight woman looking through a Victoria’s Secret magazine – you appreciate the beauty of the women, but you just aren’t attracted to them. Same difference.

How do you have sex?

Really people? How do YOU have sex? This is by far the stupidest question of them all and I have an intense desire to slap the person asking it. If you can’t figure it out – well, you don’t really have to do you? You have your sex and do what you do, and I’ll have my sex and do what I do. I don’t care what you and your clumsy man are doing in the bedroom. I think your sex is as icky as you think mine is. I try not to think about men and women having sex- when I do, I feel sorry for the poor woman underneath all that hair with some dude fumbling around trying to figure stuff out. You poor girls.

I have given “advice” to my straight male friends on what to do, where to go and when and their girlfriends/wives thank me. “Best sex I ever had!!” You see men are easy to please sexually – women, well we are complex creatures and if you REALLY want to please a woman in bed fellas, go get a lesbian friend who will give you a class – unless you are dating/married to a woman who isn’t afraid to draw a map for you and tell you what she wants – but most straight women seem to not even know how to do that (because they have no idea what they are missing out on).

So anyway – if you want to know how gay people have sex – you can use your imagination. There is also porn. You can watch some porn. I recommend amateur porn because ‘real’ porn is fake and you can’t please someone in bed AND get great camera angle so keep that in mind. Also no lesbian in their right mind has fingernails that long (if she does she is single). The more you know.

Why did you choose to be a lesbian?

I didn’t. Being a lesbian chose me I guess. This also goes back to question number one – but even though the questions have the same answer – people will still ask them in the same conversation. I chose to be gay at the same time you choose to be straight. When did you choose to be straight? How do you KNOW you aren’t gay? Have you ever tried it? How do you know what you want if you have never  done it?

Some gay people do choose to be gay. Most though are just ‘that way’ and have accepted it. When it comes to just sex – people do all kinds of stuff and that doesn’t mean they are gay or straight. Some people try gay sex and like it so much they engage in it because it’s fun and then go marry the girl/boy of their dreams or whatever. If we are talking just about the act of sex – well I choose to have sex with whoever I want when I want. When we broaden the conversation beyond the sex act, I am with women because I love them. I relate to them. I am comfortable with them. Intimacy is easy. I never chose it though – it just happened. Just like yours did.

Don’t you want to get married and have children?

Married? Yes. Children – eh, maybe. I know for a fact and always have that I have no desire what-so-ever to give birth. Never have. I have never wanted to be a Mother. Nope. I would never make it through a pregnancy. I would kill people. I would be the pregnant woman from hell. I have never once had the desire to procreate. However – I would love to have children. I guess I would be the ‘Dad’ LOL.

I was in a relationship with a woman who had a son. I LOVED being a parent – and I think I did a good job with it. The break up though devastated me because I lost that son when the relationship ended. I tried staying involved in his life – but things being what they were and with his Mom entering into a new relationship, well lets just say it was better that I just suck it up for his sake and leave his life. Worst feeling ever.

Gay or straight, dating someone with kids is hard. Being a step-parent is difficult. If you happen to be in one of those relationships and you throw yourself into a child’s life – when the adult relationship ends – so does the relationship you built with the children (most of the time). It isn’t fair. It sucks. I vowed to never date someone with children again. It hurts too much to love and then have to give up a child.

Stephanie however is the opposite. She thinks the idea of giving birth is an awesome idea. She wants to be pregnant and we have talked about children. Stephanie would be an amazing mother. We are both 40 – so the having a baby option is quickly fading. However – we are both very open and excited about adopting someday.  We want the kid no one wants – the 12 year old, the autistic kid, the one who has been up for adoption and never got picked. I don’t know – we have the option to ‘pick’ who we want to raise and from what point in their life we want to step in. We know we don’t want to be 100 years old when they graduate from high school – and that’s about it. Everything else is a mystery. Maybe we will just have dogs for the rest of our lives.

The thing you should know about gay families is that we are just like straight families.  We have the same dreams and desires for our children – whether they are biologically ours or not. Gay families CHOOSE to have children. There are no accidents. There are no unwanted pregnancies. Unless it is like my relationship was where the child came from a previous straight marriage/relationship – gay people really are the most responsible and well organized parents out there. We aren’t breeding because that’s what we are supposed to do – we have children because we WANT them. We fight for the right to have them. You straight people (mostly) take children for granted. It is a step in your lives – this thing you are ‘supposed’ to do. For us – it takes work, planning, dedication, and perseverance to have kids. The only things in our lives that really IS a choice – is to have children or not.

So I hope this serves to answer some of the frequently asked questions. My advice to you straight people out there is before you ask a gay person a stupid question – ask yourself the question first. If you can’t answer it about your own sexuality – we can’t either. No one forces you to decide when you were straight, or what influenced you to be straight, or what you do in bed. Every gay person has had to explain and figure out all this stuff – you straight people just get to live your lives. All we want is to live our lives and have the same rights and responsibilities as adults that you have. Sex isn’t the issue. You guys make it the issue. Relationships – gay or straight are complex and full of love and heartbreak. They are confusing and exhilarating. My relationship is just like yours, my failed relationships are just like yours. My love is just as valuable as yours. My sex is just as awesome as you think yours is. I have the same desires for marriage and family as you do. The only real difference between us is the gender of our partners – and that is a silly thing to judge people by.

22 thoughts on “Questions straight people ask gay people…

  1. Thank you for sharing. I cannot for the life of me understand what the fascination is with the sex lives of gay people. I am wondering though if you have ever said something to a straight person that caused them to have an ah ha moment and possibly change their opinion. My dilema is my dad. He is writing a political book and insisting on having a chapter filled with rhetoric on gay people. I read the chapter and it caused me great sadness and anxiety; filled with hateful stuff about gay men being pediphiles, lesbians choosing to be that way because of bad experiences with men, gay marriage is going to ruin the world, etc. The pediphile stuff though was awful. So I spent a few weeks trying to come up with the most unbiased research, studies, etc., and put together a reading packet for him. My thought was that my father who is highly educated (two masters and a Ph.D.) would see the error in his thinking once he read through this huge packet and remove that hateful chapter from the book. No such luck…it’s almost as if he’s doubled down on the ignorance. So I am just wondering if you have ever been able to say anything or show someone anything that helped them to open their eyes and leave the ignorance behind? I really can’t bare the thought of my father becoming part of the hate thrown at gays and lesbians. The book is currently in editing and due for publishing in August. I appreciate your time and any insight you may have.

    • Ayana, thank you for you comment, and I will answer as best I can. First of all, no one has an “Ah ha” moment about anything until they choose to. Also, if your Dad is in the midst of the crazy right wing rhetoric, no study or research you present to him will matter – because there is always another research study out that that claims the exact opposite. If he is also basing his opinions on his faith – it is going to take an Ah-ha moment about that first then he can tackle his societal fears and biases he has been taught.

      No study needed to say that there are gay and straight pedophiles, murderers, thieves. Gay people aren’t immune to being bad people – but we are no more or less likely to become one of those bad people than any straight person is.

      I have had people change their attitudes, but it because I try to make things personal. I don’t quote statistics or research. My life is proof enough for me and if I am honest and open then those who are ready to hear it will, and those who aren’t well I can only hope that one day they will be.

      I truly appreciate your efforts to educate your Dad. That in itself takes some serious bravery. I just hope no one buys his book (so I’m a little spiteful – I’ll admit it. Just because he isn’t going to edit his book, doesn’t mean that something you said or presented to him didn’t make him think a little about it. Change is hard – especially when it means you have to face your fears. Who knows, (to use your Dad’s logic) maybe something happened to your Dad when he was younger that made him feel this way – maybe another man touched him inappropriately and he now just thinks gay = pedophile. That would take therapy to change – not a research study. I don’t know him, but I have met and talked to many people like him.

      People can and do change – we are seeing it everyday. It may not happen before the book is published, but we can hope that one day he will be willing to print an update or retraction.

      I don’t know if that helped or not. :/ I hope so though. Thank you so much for your support and helping to be a positive change in our world!

      • Thank you for responding. I wish there was an easy answer but, I guess there isn’t. I don’t know how it happened but, somehow my dad has gotten caught up in the conservative entertainment complex and there seems to be no way to bring him back to reality. I have tried my best to enlighten him but nothing seems to break through. Anyway, thanks again for the response. I really enjoy your blog and wish you the best with everything.

        • I also should have mentioned that I can’t make it personal as a married heterosexual woman. That’s why I was trying to find as much research and stuff that I could. He could care less about my gay or lesbian friends or other family members because he just dismisses it as they’re experimenting or confused.

          • When dealing with fear and bigotry the answer is never easy. People develop their views for a myriad of reasons and if they don’t have an open mind they will keep those views (good or bad) until something proves to them they should think differently – and unfortunately with some people that may never happen.
            Thank you for tying though. Don’t give up! You may find the right argument someday!

  2. Just terrific. I’ve never fully considered how dumb some the questions I’ve been asked as a gay man. You’ve really nailed quite a few points here. Totally sharing this on my Facebook. People should read this.

    • Thank you Chris. It really is amazing the questions people ask us. It is stuff they would never ask each other “that’s private” but we are expected to explain why we are gay, when we became gay, what we do as gay people… it’s crazy. I didn’t even include the offensive questions! 🙂 Thanks for reading and sharing!

  3. Gr8 post. The piece about dating a mother is so accurate too. Broke my heart. Ironically, I don’t throw my son into the mix much. Have only done that twice and may not again… We shall see…

    • I can’t imagine being a single Mom or Dad trying to date. I know I said I would never date anyone with kids – but if Stephanie had kids I would have still jumped right in. Sometimes what I think I would do and what I know I would end up doing are in direct conflict with each other. 🙂

      • Yeah, we were both single mothers… However, she made sure to tell me that my four nights a month meant that I was NOT alone and she was really the only single parent. Yet another thing for her to compete and win. Oh well. She has a gr8 son though.

  4. To those who ask why people would be fascinated with the sex lives of gay people, I just shake my head and say “really?”

    On TV, in movies, in literature, etc we’ve been inundated with the sex of straight people, there’s little left to the imagination. We have an insatiable appetite for sex, and variations in sex. If you put Taboo in the title, people will flock to it. It’s not about gay or straight, it’s about sex and something we don’t know about it, give me more!

    • DW, I think you are right, some of it is just a fascination with sex in general. However even curious people don’t ask people about their sex lives over dinner. This happens to us ALL the time.

  5. Or the one I just absolutely cannot tolerate: “So who’s the man and who’s the woman?” DUH!!! >:-(

  6. Where & who can I ask of a male, “Where & how do you learn to act more feminine & sissy acting than the average hetro woman?

    • Why do you feel the need to ask? Does it hurt you that people behave differently than you? It’s kind of the same thing as asking why some women act more masculine than some men. People are different – and as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else there should be no issue with it.

      • Thanks for avoiding answering the question. I didn’t know if there was a special school, book, instructions somewhere…or if they practice on their mannerisms or if they take hormones???

        • I didn’t avoid answering the question. It is a question that doesn’t have an answer. You are asking why people behave the way they do – which is different for everyone. I can’t answer a question about feminine men because I am not one. I do know that some people are more masculine or feminine than others. Again though – what difference does it make in YOUR life how someone behaves? You want to know why? Go into gender identity studies and learn about the human gender spectrum.

      • I appreciate the chance to learn. An early major role model for me was a musician uncle who got run out of town, mysteriously to me. Now I have niece set to have a transgender marriage in November. My musician son will be playing at their Texas wedding.. I have a lot to learn and appreciate reading your blogs, and those of Emily Heath writing for Religion in the Huffington Post.

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