As a homosexual person I am subjected to questions from people about my sexuality. Part of me wants to just say, “Do I ask YOU about who you date? Why you date them? Why you are attracted to one person and not another?” Part of me though always wants to answer, because if it is such a concern for people – if me answering those questions will stop even one person for being ‘afraid’ of the gays – well then I think answering some questions is how we might get over this hurdle – as long as the person asking the questions is doing so because they really want to understand as opposed to some stupid curiosity about ‘how’ we have sex. Anyway -I have nailed down a few of the common questions gay people get asked by straight people. Now keep in mind, any person you talk to will have a different answer – sexuality is as individual as our fingerprints, but some things are pretty much the same for all of us.
When did you know you were gay?
For me, I can look back on my life and pinpoint certain times when it was obvious -even though I wasn’t aware of it. My 3rd grade teacher – Mrs. Kerr was my idol. I LOVED her. When I look back on it now, I know that the feelings I had for her went beyond what a super awesome teacher she was – I had a crush on her. I thought she was beautiful. So I was about 9. Since I was 9 I didn’t understand the feelings at the time – but I think Mrs. Kerr did. I think she was gay. I could do an entire post JUST on Mrs. Kerr.
I found an old journal my Mom started keeping about me after she died. I think my Mom knew I was gay when I was about 5 or 6. She chalked it up to being a tomboy – but deep down my Mom knew her kid was different. So – adults in my life noticed something at 5 or 6.
I became aware of my own sexuality at the same time everyone else does -puberty. I was in Jr. High and I was dating a boy I thought I loved and I was just sure I was going to marry. We were at a party and one of my girlfriends gave me a hug and for the first time in my life my – eh – nether regions woke right up. I wasn’t expecting that. It never did that with my boyfriend… Nothing sexual happened, it was just something I felt and I didn’t understand it then either. I do however distinctly remember that feeling though. It’s unmistakable. I was turned on. By a hug. From a girl.
Then in high school it happened. My first sexual experience with a woman. WOW. Yup. That’s me. No more boys. So I KNEW I was gay when I was 15/16. From that point on I understood that I was a lesbian and that my future relationships would be with women. I tried to change it but I couldn’t. Then I got to the point where I didn’t want to change it. I was happy. I finally made sense to myself.
Have you ever had sex with a man?
Again – first response, sometimes I just want to say, “Have you ever had sex with a horse? How do you know you don’t like it and aren’t attracted to horses?” Without the sarcasm though and for the purposes of this post I will answer this question for the last time (anytime some one asks me after this I am going to direct them to this blog entry).
Yes. I have had sex with men. Lots of them. Keep in mind I used to drink a lot – I have had lots and lots of drunk sex with men. I HAVE to be drunk to do it because I don’t like it. It was more of a curiosity for me and in society I have always felt the pressure to be straight. So I tried. Whatever. I don’t like it. Men are clumsy and hairy and well, gross (sorry guys, nothing personal). I am not attracted to them AT ALL. I can look at a good looking guy and appreciate how handsome he is. I imagine it is much the same as a straight woman looking through a Victoria’s Secret magazine – you appreciate the beauty of the women, but you just aren’t attracted to them. Same difference.
How do you have sex?
Really people? How do YOU have sex? This is by far the stupidest question of them all and I have an intense desire to slap the person asking it. If you can’t figure it out – well, you don’t really have to do you? You have your sex and do what you do, and I’ll have my sex and do what I do. I don’t care what you and your clumsy man are doing in the bedroom. I think your sex is as icky as you think mine is. I try not to think about men and women having sex- when I do, I feel sorry for the poor woman underneath all that hair with some dude fumbling around trying to figure stuff out. You poor girls.
I have given “advice” to my straight male friends on what to do, where to go and when and their girlfriends/wives thank me. “Best sex I ever had!!” You see men are easy to please sexually – women, well we are complex creatures and if you REALLY want to please a woman in bed fellas, go get a lesbian friend who will give you a class – unless you are dating/married to a woman who isn’t afraid to draw a map for you and tell you what she wants – but most straight women seem to not even know how to do that (because they have no idea what they are missing out on).
So anyway – if you want to know how gay people have sex – you can use your imagination. There is also porn. You can watch some porn. I recommend amateur porn because ‘real’ porn is fake and you can’t please someone in bed AND get great camera angle so keep that in mind. Also no lesbian in their right mind has fingernails that long (if she does she is single). The more you know.
Why did you choose to be a lesbian?
I didn’t. Being a lesbian chose me I guess. This also goes back to question number one – but even though the questions have the same answer – people will still ask them in the same conversation. I chose to be gay at the same time you choose to be straight. When did you choose to be straight? How do you KNOW you aren’t gay? Have you ever tried it? How do you know what you want if you have never done it?
Some gay people do choose to be gay. Most though are just ‘that way’ and have accepted it. When it comes to just sex – people do all kinds of stuff and that doesn’t mean they are gay or straight. Some people try gay sex and like it so much they engage in it because it’s fun and then go marry the girl/boy of their dreams or whatever. If we are talking just about the act of sex – well I choose to have sex with whoever I want when I want. When we broaden the conversation beyond the sex act, I am with women because I love them. I relate to them. I am comfortable with them. Intimacy is easy. I never chose it though – it just happened. Just like yours did.
Don’t you want to get married and have children?
Married? Yes. Children – eh, maybe. I know for a fact and always have that I have no desire what-so-ever to give birth. Never have. I have never wanted to be a Mother. Nope. I would never make it through a pregnancy. I would kill people. I would be the pregnant woman from hell. I have never once had the desire to procreate. However – I would love to have children. I guess I would be the ‘Dad’ LOL.
I was in a relationship with a woman who had a son. I LOVED being a parent – and I think I did a good job with it. The break up though devastated me because I lost that son when the relationship ended. I tried staying involved in his life – but things being what they were and with his Mom entering into a new relationship, well lets just say it was better that I just suck it up for his sake and leave his life. Worst feeling ever.
Gay or straight, dating someone with kids is hard. Being a step-parent is difficult. If you happen to be in one of those relationships and you throw yourself into a child’s life – when the adult relationship ends – so does the relationship you built with the children (most of the time). It isn’t fair. It sucks. I vowed to never date someone with children again. It hurts too much to love and then have to give up a child.
Stephanie however is the opposite. She thinks the idea of giving birth is an awesome idea. She wants to be pregnant and we have talked about children. Stephanie would be an amazing mother. We are both 40 – so the having a baby option is quickly fading. However – we are both very open and excited about adopting someday. We want the kid no one wants – the 12 year old, the autistic kid, the one who has been up for adoption and never got picked. I don’t know – we have the option to ‘pick’ who we want to raise and from what point in their life we want to step in. We know we don’t want to be 100 years old when they graduate from high school – and that’s about it. Everything else is a mystery. Maybe we will just have dogs for the rest of our lives.
The thing you should know about gay families is that we are just like straight families. We have the same dreams and desires for our children – whether they are biologically ours or not. Gay families CHOOSE to have children. There are no accidents. There are no unwanted pregnancies. Unless it is like my relationship was where the child came from a previous straight marriage/relationship – gay people really are the most responsible and well organized parents out there. We aren’t breeding because that’s what we are supposed to do – we have children because we WANT them. We fight for the right to have them. You straight people (mostly) take children for granted. It is a step in your lives – this thing you are ‘supposed’ to do. For us – it takes work, planning, dedication, and perseverance to have kids. The only things in our lives that really IS a choice – is to have children or not.
So I hope this serves to answer some of the frequently asked questions. My advice to you straight people out there is before you ask a gay person a stupid question – ask yourself the question first. If you can’t answer it about your own sexuality – we can’t either. No one forces you to decide when you were straight, or what influenced you to be straight, or what you do in bed. Every gay person has had to explain and figure out all this stuff – you straight people just get to live your lives. All we want is to live our lives and have the same rights and responsibilities as adults that you have. Sex isn’t the issue. You guys make it the issue. Relationships – gay or straight are complex and full of love and heartbreak. They are confusing and exhilarating. My relationship is just like yours, my failed relationships are just like yours. My love is just as valuable as yours. My sex is just as awesome as you think yours is. I have the same desires for marriage and family as you do. The only real difference between us is the gender of our partners – and that is a silly thing to judge people by.