Here hold my beer…


Isn’t he cute? Someone take my lesbian card away from me.

They say that every good story starts with, “Here hold my beer and watch this!” Thankfully, I went through my drunk phase before the Internet made celebrities out of stupid people doing stupid things. It isn’t just me, I have a load of friends who, if I had a video camera would be Internet famous by now. I however, would be a superstar with my own insanely popular YouTube channel.

The reason I bring this up is that my new favorite show and man crush belongs to Daniel Tosh. Yes. I love him. A lot.

The difference between him and America’s Funniest Videos is that he is actually funny, and doesn’t really give a crap who he makes fun of. No one is safe. If you have never seen his show and enjoy making fun of stupid people (or fat people, or any ethnic group, or puke, or poop, or a skinny naked guy, or … well you get the point) you should watch at least one episode. You can watch pretty much anytime you want on Comedy Central because they rerun his program more than TBS runs Seinfeld and Big Bang Theory.

We got started on this hilarious debauchery because our roommate watches him and we would hear him laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe. So I decided to DVR Tosh.O so Steph and I could see what all the laughter was about. We are all hopelessly addicted. We laugh – and we have almost peed ourselves. We have to pause the show to laugh because otherwise we would miss the funny. Seriously – this man is so wrong and yet so right.

To my knowledge there is only one video out there of me and unfortunately the video was shot while I was sober – but I was being confronted about my previous nights behavior by an Army Captain who we affectionately referred to as “Jabba.” What had happened was…

While in Afghanistan we are allowed to go on pass, to Doha, Qatar. They allowed us to drink there – only three beers per person. I am a master at finding and drinking as much beer as possible, and I found SEVERAL ways around the three beer limit. Unlike my friends who also got ridiculously drunk with me – I was the only one to have a story to tell the next day. That’s usually how it works because I don’t have a pause or stop button when it comes to beer consumption.

So anyway, the video has no sound (because my awesome friends recorded it from a distance) but you can see me talking to this guy and my facial expressions go from defiant to humiliated in about 2 minutes. Here is what happened…

When I get stupid drunk – I sleepwalk. Well, I pass-out walk. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t remember. It is ALWAYS because I have to pee, and apparently my bathroom GPS is off. I got up, walked around for a while, opened a door and peed on the floor. That wouldn’t be so spectacular by itself, but the floor I peed on belonged to Jabba, and his Officer buddies. So a Captain, a Major and a Chief Warrant Officer, all woke up to a drunk girl peeing in their floor.  I was that drunk girl. *sigh*

So the next day we were all on an outing to the super awesome mall in Doha, and we happened to run into Jabba. He requested a moment with me where he proceeded to tell me about my adventures the night before – which I had NO memory of. I partially blame the beer we were drinking – that stuff is gross but potent [Tuborg] – look it up. It puts Budweiser to shame! Anyway…

The Officers were actually totally cool with it. I could have gotten in a TON of trouble for peeing on their floor, but they understood that we were a bunch of enlisted folks allowed some beer for the first time in months, and it’s easy to overindulge. They promised not to use my name when telling their epic story and for that I am grateful. After we returned to Afghanistan, I heard the Chaplain telling someone about his friend who had a girl pee on his floor in Doha. That was me. They kept their promise though, and my name was never mentioned.

The video however may still be in existence. I will tag my friend who made the video and see if he still has it. I would like to watch it. I would also like to submit it to Daniel Tosh, because I think I deserve a Web Redemption where I actually find the bathroom instead of a room filled with Officers. I would also like a free trip to L.A. I would even settle on being the “breakdown of the week” because having Daniel Tosh make fun of me would be awesome.

In other drunken news, I have videos of a few friends who would be very very mad if I posted them online. I have video of one friend dancing on my kitchen table in Italy wearing super groovy Italian Speedo type undies. I am holding on to that one – because he could easily become the President Of the United States one day, and that video secures me a job in his administration. Yes. I am not above blackmail.

I have several stories (enough for an entire separate blog), but as I said, only one of them is on video and if you don’t know the back-story – It’s just a video of a girl talking to some dude in a mall.

I think it is hilarious though the things that people willfully videotape and post online, and that is really where the Tosh.O show shines. He isn’t usually making fun of unsuspecting people – these are people who willfully and purposefully post their idiocy online – “For that we thank you!’ To get some of the references in this post – you are just going to have to watch the show (you are welcome Daniel – I love you).

The thing I love most about his show? He says everything people think but would never ever say out loud. I am just glad (sad) that I am not on his radar. I would totally do a skit with him naked. However I am 98% sure he is gay and I am not a supermodel (I do have nice boobs though and gay guys LOVE nice boobs).

So I am going to end this post by admitting that I will shamelessly submit this to his Twitter and Facebook in the small hope that he would be willing to bring me home to California to make fun of people with him. If you are easily offended – don’t watch his show ever. If not though, and you think that stupid people posting their exploits online deserve to be made fun of; I highly recommend his show.

Do you have an embarrassing video of yourself? Do you have evil friends who have posted your idiocy online? Have you ever seen this horrible, evil, wonderful, hilarious show? 

P.S. I want a job in the Tosh.O office. I am super qualified and I will gladly do dumb things.






2 thoughts on “Here hold my beer…

  1. At last, something you and I disagree on. Yes, I’ve seen the show (it’s one of my husband’s favorites!) yes, I have laughed uproariously, on occasion. I guess I’m one of those easily offended types, because for the most part, I find him extremely offensive. Loved the “yes, I am not above blackmail.” 😀

    • LOL That is what I love about him though. He is the most offensive person I have ever seen on T.V. and I love every second of it. Even when I am completely grossed out or offended, I still laugh. THAT is comedy. I also like that he doesn’t discriminate – everyone is fair game. I also LOVE the “Is it racist” game.

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