Sometimes life has a way of prioritizing things for us whether we like it or not. I know I said that I would resume posting on the 9th – which as it turns out didn’t happen. Here is why, and here is why I may be putting this little blog on the back burner of my life for a undetermined amount of time.
You see, my life is complicated. It’s not bad. Actually, I am a very lucky woman considering the people in my life and the fact that I have been in a self-destruct pattern ever since I can remember. Changing that path of self-destruction takes time, focus, and an intense amount of pain, suffering, truth, and self realizations that aren’t often pleasant. Some of those things make me wonder why I even keep fighting – and as I have said on here before – we always need to keep fighting. Sometimes my own advice; while it is good advice, is hard for me to follow. It is easy to say the right things – it is much harder to actualize them. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, and I don’t think I am. Some of the best advice comes from those of us who are broken.
I have shared with you all on here my problems with addiction – but getting rid of the substance doesn’t change the way I have trained my mind to process my world and the people in it. I am in constant conflict with myself right now. Trying to find peace and happiness. Trying to grasp contentment. Trying to figure out what exactly I want from this life and how to go about achieving that goal. It’s a grueling and lonely process.
I went and saw my therapist yesterday and dropped a few bombs on her about my desire to “do the work”, my back and forth with addiction, and my recurring thoughts of death. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not suicidal, I don’t want to hurt myself – but more often than not these days I find my life without purpose or direction and I think about the fact that if I were to drop dead tomorrow how much I wouldn’t really care. It is a symptom of a deep and unrelenting depression; these thoughts of death. I feel like sometimes I am much more trouble than I am worth and I wonder sometimes if it wouldn’t be easier for people in my life to remember me fondly rather than deal with me negatively. I don’t know. It is an odd journey.
While writing is a very good way for me to process some of these feelings, it is obviously not something that I always want to share publicly. I do have goals and dreams for this Tolerant People “movement” because I believe that if we all learn to value each other despite differences we will have a better world. If we can learn to understand one another rather than judge or label, we can all move in positive directions without the opinions of others holding us in darkness. I know it can work. Communication between people is hard, but always leads to a better understanding, and therefore tolerance. If we were more tolerant of one another, I think we would have fewer wars, we would find solutions for world poverty and hunger, we would be able to communicate our dreams and goals without fear of persecution and judgement. It is a global dream of mine, but one that I must abandon for a moment in order to serve myself and make myself into the person I want to be.
So anyway, as far as this blog is concerned, I am still here and I will still write occasionally but I can’t commit to a schedule right now. I have a lot of plans for this and I am actively working toward making those plans and goals a reality. I am just not going to force it. I am willing to let things happen in their own time in all aspects of my life. I think that will make a difference in my own life and how I perceive the world and people around me. Letting go of expectations, and instead living in the moment. “One day at a time” is the pace I am looking to take right now.
I am still going to be posting articles and “awwws” on the Tolerant People FB page so I hope to see you all there. As always, thank you for being here, and thank you for being interested in the things I write about.