As many of you already know, I am going through a life of constant change, periodic struggle, and the means to balance those things. In this process I have learned and noticed many things about myself that need to change. As someone who struggles with all kinds of battles; some stem from my past, some stem from my present, and many stem from my anxiety about the future. In my personal “process” I am seriously trying to focus only on the present and what I can do each day to make myself better either physically or emotionally. The changes have been rather drastic and quite positive. Which reinforces the idea that a positive present attitude can help erase the pains of the past, and help eliminate worries about the future. It’s pretty amazing really.
I don’t think my life is really so far different from anyone else’s. The things we worry about are really all the same and connected. We worry about politics, food, friends, partners, money, careers, education… this list goes on an on for things to fret about. What I am noticing more and more though – worrying about corrupt politicians does nothing for me personally but create anger and sadness. Instead I can focus on one of my favorite quotes, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Gandhi. By focusing on that, I have taken the control away from those who would impede my happiness. I have also eliminated the “I can’t do anything about that” attitude and simply work to make myself an example rather than a person who writes about the ills of society with no real agenda to change it; and the only thing we ever have the power to change is ourselves.
Life is a frustrating process especially with so many outside influences telling us what is right and wrong, who we should vote for, what food we should eat, what information we receive, and so many other things beyond our control. We fight one another to try and convince people that our own belief system will work for everyone and that simply isn’t the case. We are all different. We all face similar struggles, but the framework with how we deal with those things vary from person to person. While it is good to network and talk to others who share similar struggles – they don’t have the answers for us. We need to find those solutions for ourselves.
Right now, I am focusing on letting go of things I can’t change, and am working on the things I can. In doing so, my depression symptoms have decreased. My cravings for substances that remove me from deep and rational thought are being replaced with finding as many natural ways to improve my mind rather than numb it. I feel better. I feel more positive. I actually (dare I say it out-loud?) have some hope for my future.
The last time I talked to my therapist was a serious catalyst for me. It was a hurtful but honest session where I flat out told her that I really don’t care if I was to die tomorrow – even though I know that isn’t true. Depression was full blown and my perspective was all screwed up. What I got out of that was simple – my life is going to be what I make of it. I can sit here and be depressed, or I can get off my ass and do things that make me happy. Odd that the choice is so easy and yet so very hard to implement.
So what I started doing to promote happiness in my own life was to start focusing on things that I can change and have some control over. Instead of going stir crazy in my house, I go to the park and sit by the water, play with rocks, and Geocache. I am making food my new hobby. Not just any food, but food that nourishes, tastes awesome, and is as healthy and organic as possible. I am coming back to writing because I LOVE it and that is what I want to do. I have given up looking for a “real job” because I am starting to believe that the only “real job” I need is the one that makes me into the person I have always wanted to be: passionately curious, never stuck in one place (physically or mentally) for too long, always learning, and teaching others.
I am in an amazing place in my life. A place of change. A place of growth. A place of hope. Life still has more obstacles for me than I can even list here, however, by changing myself – I think I will be better equipped to handle those things with grace and gratitude rather than bitterness and anger. I have a wonderful support system, a partner who wants nothing for me other than happiness, and my own drive and determination to make this world better by starting with myself.
Eventually, as I really get going and educated on food and nutrition, I hope to start another blog that focuses on the recipes I use (create) to incorporate the things our diets currently lack (which is a lot). That is still in idea phase, but I will be sure to let you all know once it is up and running. I can say that for our household the simple changes we have already made are having a huge impact on our health, motivation, and sense of well being. Food matters!
So anyway – as I change, so will this blog and I think that is what I was struggling with when it came to writing. I think I am ready to start putting words into action again – not only to reaffirm my own growth, but to encourage others to do the same. I also got rid of the pseudonym, and am using my real name. I had been avoiding that simply because I was looking for work, and didn’t want potential employers coming right here and seeing that I have a tendency to make bad personal decisions. I am really honest about things in my life on here and it was much easier to remain anonymous while employers may have been searching to Internet to see how screwed up I really am sometimes. So I will also be updating my about.me profile soon. Hiding is no longer something I want to encourage for myself – or anyone else.
Also, the Tolerant People FB page is really taking off and I have been spending quite a bit of time posting things there so if you haven’t already come to see it, check it out!!
As always, thank you for being here, and thank you for the kind words of encouragement I have received from many of you. It really does make a difference. A little encouragement can really go a long way!!