Obviously, my life right now is a sort of blissful chaos. There are a lot of really good things happening, and at the same time so many things that are without clear direction. Making any kind of personal change is difficult, but I have decided to start at the beginning and work my way through my life and change what I can, accept what I can’t, and as you may have already guessed; the wisdom to know the difference.
This is (for real) the final post under the “Tolerant People” name for several reasons. First of all, while I love this little concept I started, I have been annoyed by the fact that the word “tolerant” in the title implies to readers that I am some sort of tolerance guru; which is insanely false. I can be a really intolerant person at times (like anyone else) I just try really hard to be tolerant first and an asshole if it is warranted later. Anyway, since I like to write about everything, limiting myself to tolerance topics, or a certain tone when dealing with readers, friends or trolls I find I lose myself in it a bit and I find that I start writing to fit a mold instead of letting my words flow freely. So, ditching the name here and starting something new that allows me the freedom to write unrestricted and without expectation from my readers is a good thing. So there will be a new blog soon, with a more versatile and appropriate name.
Another name change is also happening. I have always HATED my last name. My last name is Jorgenson. I am not related to this name at all; in fact the man it came from married and divorced my Mom before I was even born. I don’t know why my Mom didn’t change her name after that divorce, or why she choose to give me the name Jorgenson rather than my biological fathers name: Fontaine. While I have never met my Father (at least not in my memory) I have always felt that Fontaine SHOULD have been my name. I know that name is connected to people past and present who share my DNA. Seems trivial, but when you spend your life searching for an identity – having a proper name is a good place to start.
Think about how many times in your life you have told people about your surname and the history behind it. Think about how many times you have explained or shared your name and history with others, and now imagine never having been able to do that. Being forever disconnected from your own name. Names are pretty important things. They imply certain things about us, and whether you know all the details of your history or not – most people at least have the comfort of knowing that their name represents a personal history. Mine doesn’t. At least not one that applies to me.
Being in the Army was hard for me. You ARE your last name. I ALWAYS hated it. I hated having to answer to just Jorgenson. I also hated “Jorgy” which became my name for almost 7 years because people are lazy. So you know, take a name you hate, and shorten it to something you hate even more. Doesn’t sound like a good way to start any day does it?
When I got married I almost changed my name to Fontaine then, but decided against it because the Army is a pain in the ass and I figured they would end up screwing up all my records for life if I changed it.
Now though, there is no reason NOT to change it. Change is good. Change of name, blog title, life philosophy, ambition, habits, fears, and insecurities. I am changing them all to reflect who I really am and who I really want to be. I am emerging. I am evolving. It is now a conscience mindful activity. I have already been greatly rewarded by the universe as I learn to recognize my true self things are falling into place. It isn’t comfortable. It isn’t pleasant. It is however overdue and I am ready to listen and I am eager to grow.
The rest of my name stays the same. I am still one of two people; Carrie or Kathryn (whichever you prefer) and my middle name that only a few people know; because it is mine. So really, it is not such a huge name change in practice, but it is as far as my sense of self and a heritage I have never explored until now. I’m excited. I like how it looks on me. I like how it sounds when I say it. Names are basic things – but they convey so much about us. So what is in a name? Maybe everything.
So Dear Readers, here is the deal. The domain name expires tomorrow so I’m not sure what happens with this next but if you are interested in following me on Facebook please feel free to do so; here is a link: Kathryn Fontaine (fixed the broken link). I will always cross post there, so if you follow me you will be able to see when the new blog launches. I am looking forward to the new journey and I hope you all choose to ride along. If not – thanks for being here. For my first attempt at being a blogger; you all have made this a successful experiment and helped to guide my development not only as a fledgling writer, but as a human being in a crazy world.
Be kind to yourself and one another.